{"id":435,"date":"2013-10-02T11:51:46","date_gmt":"2013-10-02T16:51:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/?p=435"},"modified":"2013-11-22T10:58:55","modified_gmt":"2013-11-22T16:58:55","slug":"mind-altering-medication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/?p=435","title":{"rendered":"Mind Altering Medication"},"content":{"rendered":"

Before beginning to read this piece you should know that it includes some words which in years past my family and friends were not accustomed to hearing from me.\u00a0 I do believe they properly represent the message of the piece.<\/p>\n

Lori, my wife, and I came home early from visiting my brother and relatives in Salesville, Arkansas to get to an appointment with a neurologist. \u00a0This doctor had not seen me before. \u00a0It was my understanding that he was one of the few medical people who could examine me and decide whether the motor vehicle prohibition could be lifted or if indeed I needed to be prevented from joining the public masses on the motorized roadways.<\/p>\n

We had some casual conversation, he and I, and then he asked me a couple of rather pointed questions.<\/p>\n

“Do you know what day it is?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, of course. \u00a0Today is Tuesday, 3 September.”<\/p>\n

“Do you know what city you’re in?”<\/p>\n

“Let’s see. \u00a0We crossed the state line so your office must be located in Kansas City, Missouri. \u00a0I’d say we’re in Kansas City, Missouri.”<\/p>\n

I do understand that those really basic questions had to be asked to determine whether I was completely out of touch with reality, but even that realization causes one to lift his eyebrows as the questions took place after a few minutes of casual conversation. I expected some more questions, possibly increasing in complexity to determine just how far displaced from reality my perception was. \u00a0He did ask me a couple. \u00a0He told me three unrelated words and then asked me a few sentences later if I remembered them. \u00a0I did.<\/p>\n

Then he asked me, “Have you noticed that when someone tells you something a little sad that you have a tendency to cry?”<\/p>\n

“Well, yes, I’m a little more emotional than I used to be.”<\/p>\n

“Well I have some samples and I can write you a prescription for something that will take the edge off for you.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not interested in any more medication.”<\/p>\n

“That’s because you’re not capable of understanding what you need.”<\/p>\n

We had a short conversation during which he asked me to explain why I had stopped taking the Prozac that another doctor had prescribed. \u00a0After that conversation I told him once more that I wasn’t interested in any more medication. \u00a0He retorted again that I wasn’t capable of understanding what I really need and then began talking to Lori instead of to me.<\/p>\n

He handed Lori the bag with sample pills. \u00a0He explained that I should take two pills per day for the first two weeks and one pill per day after that. He commented to me that these pills would possibly help me get back the privilege of driving.<\/p>\n

As he left the room, I told my wife to fire this doctor. \u00a0I used one and possibly a second word that should not be used in public professional conversation.<\/p>\n

On the way home she snatched the bag out of my hand to stop me from tossing it out the car window.<\/p>\n

Interestingly enough, about six days later I received a call from my neurosurgeon’s office saying they had reviewed the neuro-psychologist’s report and they saw no reason I should any longer be prohibited from operating a motor vehicle. \u00a0I cried.<\/p>\n

Interestingly, the psychologist’s report they reviewed was from seventeen days earlier. \u00a0If you’re doing the math that means the test and interview with the psychologist was fully ten days before the neurologist wanted to put me on mind altering medication and threatened by implication that I would need to follow his\u00a0 recommendation to be re-allowed the privilege to drive.<\/p>\n

Here’s where I am. \u00a0I have a large gap in my memory from just before the incident resulting in brain injuries until at least two and a half weeks later. \u00a0I do struggle with short term memory and most especially with losing words and names during my attempts to communicate. \u00a0I am an asshole. I’ve always been an asshole, but it’s a little easier to determine these days. \u00a0I am, if you can believe it, one of the kindest and most generous assholes you’d ever want to meet. \u00a0I’m still working on dealing with life as it occurs, but what it takes for me to improve in that effort is more attention and work, not necessarily medication to alter how my mind works.<\/p>\n

I truly don’t like mind altering medication. \u00a0I don’t even like the few times I’ve been required to use morphine. \u00a0I do understand that I needed to have it in me as I could not have otherwise endured the pain, but I don’t like what it did to my mind and memory.<\/p>\n

I don’t like doctors who are so wrapped up in their own agenda that they couldn’t possibly care about the patient’s perspective or how their agenda would alter what the patient desires. \u00a0Honestly I really don’t like most doctors. \u00a0I have a couple of doctors whom I trust and at least one that I love dearly, and I am deeply grateful for what the medical community has been able to do for me. \u00a0Mostly I appreciate the nurses at least as much and maybe more than most doctors.<\/p>\n

I said I had no recollection of the two and a half weeks beginning with just before the incident occurrence. That’s not entirely correct. \u00a0I do have two very short memories. \u00a0One is from what I believe to be the wee morning hours of 23 May or the waning hours of 22 May. \u00a0The occurrences surrounding the memory have been related to me by Lori whose memory is much better than my own.<\/p>\n

Mama had been sitting with me in the CCU hospital room through the evening. Somewhere near the end of the day she was repeatedly putting the oxygen mask on my face after I’d pulled it off and taken measures several times to keep me in the bed. \u00a0My legs didn’t work. \u00a0Both my knees were shot. \u00a0My mouth was recently reconstructed and in need of being left alone to allow the stitching to heal. \u00a0My mind simply was not working.<\/p>\n

Sometime late in the evening I angrily told the one who loves me most, “Why don’t you just go home and leave me alone. \u00a0You’re only stopping me from what I want to do.”<\/p>\n

She cried all the way home. \u00a0On her way off the wing she alerted the nurses that I was trying to get out of bed. \u00a0They assured her that the alarm on the bed would let them know as soon as I had shifted and they would keep a close watch on me. \u00a0I had been moved to the room directly next to the nurses’ station for that specific purpose. \u00a0In the early hours of the morning Lori got a call from the female nurse explaining that she had not wanted to make this call, but her husband had gotten out of bed.<\/p>\n

What I do remember is being on the floor with my face slipping around in what seemed to be a pool of blood. \u00a0There was a male standing directly over me and putting his hands on me. \u00a0There was a female, it seems she was younger, also in the room. \u00a0He was not happy and was instructing me in a loud voice.<\/p>\n

“Stay down. \u00a0Why don’t you just stay down!?”<\/p>\n

“No. \u00a0It’s alright. \u00a0I’ve got this.”<\/p>\n

Obviously no matter how I tried I could not get up. \u00a0I think someone was very much concerned about getting into trouble as a result of that event. \u00a0I do remember that I was in a hotel room in Washington \u00a0and couldn’t understand what those people were doing in my room.<\/p>\n

I am better today than I was just a few weeks ago. \u00a0I am still struggling to some degree with the process of dealing with life as it happens. \u00a0I do find the struggle part of the efforts to be reducing as time goes by. \u00a0I cry very easily. \u00a0I use the word love much more than I did before. \u00a0I’m impulsive. \u00a0If you needed it, I would give you my left arm in a heartbeat.\u00a0 I’m not inclined to take any crap off anyone and I have a very low tolerance for pretending that stupidity makes sense and no patience at all for deceit. \u00a0You will find me to be one of the most forgiving people you’ll ever meet unless you treat me with disrespect. \u00a0I’m still working on that.<\/p>\n

So that’s what’s going on in my world. \u00a0I am not taking any drugs intended to alter one’s state of mind. \u00a0I still do not drink alcohol and don’t smoke anything at all. \u00a0I do not watch my mouth as much as some would prefer I do.<\/p>\n

I’m really pretty satisfied with who I am and as time goes by I am more and more accepting the wisdom and insight of the last thing my friend, Jodi, said to me. \u00a0What she said was, “Carl I don’t think you’re hurt nearly as badly as you let people think you are. \u00a0I think you’re milking this for all you can get out of it.”<\/p>\n

I love Jodi and I believe she is smarter than a lot of people who are getting paid a lot of money to determine where I am on the road to recovery.<\/p>\n

In most ways I am getting better every day. \u00a0That progress is not due primarily to my efforts but to the grace that has been freely given me. \u00a0I expect sometime in the near future (near is a relative term, isn’t it?) I will be out from under the direct influence of the injuries my brain has sustained.\u00a0 Some differences will certainly remain as we are all finally an accumulation of our life’s experiences with the most catastrophic of those experiences certainly resulting in the most change. \u00a0Recently Lori said to me, “I’ll be glad when this is all over and we can go back to normal.”<\/p>\n

“Don’t you bet on it,” I replied. \u00a0“I may have gotten used to some of this and may just keep those things even after the healing is complete.”<\/p>\n

As you read this you do need to know that it is only my own recollection of events. \u00a0Some of the details are seen very differently by other involved parties.<\/p>\n

Fortunately I am at an age at which we cannot be certain which of the issues are age related and which are injury related.<\/p>\n

You all take care; enjoy life; and I’ll hope to see you somewhere down the road.<\/p>\n

\n
\"\"<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Before beginning to read this piece you should know that it includes some words which in years past my family and friends were not accustomed to hearing from me.\u00a0 I do believe they properly represent the message of the piece. …<\/span> Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-435","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal-and-family"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/435","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=435"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/435\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":518,"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/435\/revisions\/518"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=435"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=435"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willowinthewind.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=435"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}